Lost in Thought

Snatched out of Darkness

2009-08-19T07:08:00.000-07:00

"And this I pray, that you may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve things that are excellent in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ, having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ to the glory and praise of God!" -Philippians 1:9-11

This is such a joyous feeling I can't hold it in but I don't know how to express it. I will probably write, read, re-read this so much to make sure it's in understandable English...

I am so excited to be on this side of summer and grateful that I am so joyful coming out of one of the biggest valleys of darkness I've known in my tiny life. I mean I know I'm only 26 and will have many more -perhaps darker- valleys but I am ecstatic to be where I am now and have been glorifying God morning to night lately!! The Lord truly delivers you when you bow your knee and ask for Him to intervene- throwing yourself- your career, your relationships, your life's plan- at His feet and surrender to His Will. My own ways, plans, ideas had failed me each one and I was clinging to them, thinking I knew everything and what I needed. But as someone once said- the best joke to tell God is your plans!

I don't know where it started out but I do know that a few weeks ago I was sitting in Crossroads listening to a sermon on forgiveness- how much we owe Christ for what He did for our sins (somewhere around $6 million) and how in comparison we owe each other maybe a few hundred dollars and here's the kicker- Christ died on the cross and forgave that gigantic debt we owe God for our sins!! It hit me... I have 26 years of sin I've caused God and He's already forgiven it all but I can't seem to let go of some grudges, hate, and bitterness?? (Matt 18 covers all this!). Christ took this moment to dig really deep into me and pull up and throw away tons of bitter feelings, hate, and grudges I had been clinging too and He left me with a deep comforting peace. Not an elated feeling that went away but ...well a new me.... a blessing cup that is overflowing and pouring out with nothing but unending love for Him- who bled and died for me! I do ministry for Him now- not because I think I have some "duty" as a Christian to fulfill. Suddenly my friendships with men and women are wholesome and not dirtied with grudges, bitterness and clingyness. It's true we need community but it'll all melt away and people will come and go from our lives. In the "dark night of the soul" Christ is there and clinging to Him is the only way to get out.

I am free. I can do anything now with the Lord by my side! I am so energized now to really get working on my Master's degree. I am so excited to be working with such intelligent professors and fellow graduate students. My hope is that I keep relying on the Lord to guide me and help me because I know now that it's the only way I'll get through anything!

This was all inspired by reading about Mary Magdalene and how she was snatched out of her darkness of seven demons by Jesus and so therefore was free to love, and follow Him not only in His ministry but she had the courage to follow Him all the way to the cross. She stood at it for Him and then the next morning she went with the other women to give Jesus a proper burial even though they weren't sure how they'd get into the tomb. She then ran back to get the disciples to tell them about the empty tomb. She couldn't have done all this work without first being freed by Jesus!

"Adoration" Lyrics

Down in adoration falling
This great sacrament we hail
Over ancient forms departing
Newer rites of grace prevail
Faith for all defects supplying
Where the feeble senses fail

To the everlasting Father
And the Son who reigns on high
With the Spirit blest, proceeding
Forth from each eternally
Be salvation, honor, blessing
Might and endless majesty

Jesus, Lamb of God, saving love for all
Lord of heaven and earth, Father's love for all
I bow to You
Jesus, Lamb of God, saving love for all
Lord of heav'n and earth
I bow to You, bow to You, I bow to You

Pour upon us, Lord of mercy
Spirit of Thy selfless love
Make of us one true heart yearning
For the glory of thy Son
Jesus, fire of justice blazing
Gladdening light forevermore

written by St. Thomas Aquinas & Matt Maher

2009-03-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

Raging against the world
Angry bitter words fly out
She feels heartache
Wants to shed her own blood
The world says she doesn't look correct
act correct
Always screwing up
Why bother?
What's the use?

But I don't want to go to Hell
What do I do then?
How to push on
What if I've been lying this whole time
I can't preach if I lie
Can I preach if I'm weak?
I'm too weak to preach

Jesus doesn't want me does He?
Will I die an old maid?
Because I didn't get it right?
I didn't love Him enough?

Bitterly hating love songs
Crying seeing happy couples
Weeping when being single means
you are a loser
According to this world

But even the saddest Psalter knows
He's loved
She's got someone to back her up
Life is fine
Because the Father's got the Plan
He gave the sacrifice
We are clean
Who call Him King.

Soon those bitter tears
Will be dancing
Soon those crying eyes will
Sleep a good sleep
Soon that soul will
be rested
Because Only in God
Is my soul at rest
In Him
Comes my
Salvation.

2009-01-04T22:01:00.000-08:00

Her dress is simple
Purple like the twilight sky
His garb is simple
Yet He is Royalty

They float across the sea
Dancing together
He shows her all He's made
The mountains that
Point to the Celestial Home

Even they are humbled by Him though
Never touching it
The sea roars but
Whispers at His biding
So I am not frightened

And as He looks down at me
He smiles and Love
Deeper than any sea
Pours into me

His eyes are not one color
For as I look in them I see
Ages and all of ancient creation
He embraces me and we laugh
And laugh
It echoes through the world

We laugh so hard we tear up
And I cry
And my Jesus says
"Do not let your heart be troubled."
And I am content in my Lord.

(inspired by listening to "Before the Throne of God Above" by Selah)

Removing the knife

2008-12-01T23:33:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write a poem tonight about despair. But I already wrote one and so here I am sharing it on this blog.
I wrote this in one of my darkest hours. I have come far in that the breaking of my heart does not crater me. In this case it was a broken heart over a guy I dwelt on for too long. Letting go was like having a piece of me torn of- ripped off- I didn't feel whole anymore. Lately it is how my anxiety has been making me feel. However, It seems to floor me still and I feel crushed. But not cratered. Despairing but not utterly hopeless.

Removing the Knife
How do you remove this knife that pierces the heart?
How do you heal the wound it leaves?
How do you dry the tears?
How do you catch your breath?
You know you want to live
You know there is hope
You know that nothing lasts forever
Even heartbreak.
Oh Angel of God my Guardian Dear
My heart needs protection
It needs a shield of Love
Please guard it from this pain
And allow me to live again
Let the Music Flow through my veins again
And heal all that hurts
For my love is so deep for him
Longing to see him happy
And may he never feel down again
But where are my well wishings?
When will the dark curtain rise
And shine forth
To show white shores and
A boat to share with another?
I will wait patiently
But please do not leave me my angel
We will sit with each other
And let us say all that needs to be said
And then let go
To lift each other up
And go on our own ways

Pride

2008-11-25T20:24:00.000-08:00

It's a horrible disease.
It makes your insides rot and your soul turn foul.
It tears you up and leaves you exhausted.
It screws with your head and convinces you you'll never be happy.
"...walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh..."
Shredded to bits
Numb and bewildered.
No future.
Nothing anymore.
Life is suddenly a broken record.
I want nothing more than to
Rip it off of the player!!
Crying out in pain!!
And toss it into the eternal flames where it belongs!

I cry out in utter shame and it desperation to you Oh Lord!

Pride is useless,
It leads to many dead ended streets
With names like
Jealousy,
Spite,
Bitterness,
Anxiety,
Fear....

I only wish to be rid of it...
and sit in peace and
bask in the mercy of my one true
everlasting God--
Jesus Christ himself!

The Man of My Dreams

2008-10-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

Eyes of the deepest love,
and unfathomable mercy.
Arms are so strong
Lifting up all of my troubles
all of my faults
all that makes me cringe in terror
of myself
and bore them on his shoulders
just for me.

He has never hit anyone
He has never beaten a woman
He has never raped a woman
All he does is good.

The young and the old he holds dear
The sick and the dying he comforts
The poor and the outcast he blesses.
The babies and children he calls to himself
The repentant criminal and the righteous he loves both.

He is courageous
Braver than the bravest soldier
Death does not make him flinch.

He is the Author of Life
The Redeemer of the World
The Savior of All
The King of Kings who
Calls me beautiful
Loves me for the woman I am
Embraces me
Kisses me tenderly
And whispers that he Loves Me
Everyday.

The man of my dreams...
His name is Jesus Christ...

And He wants to be the man of your dreams too.